Archives for category: Thankful

I haven’t been shooting for a long time (since March 2012). This time last year I would have joined on the bandwagon and go for event such as Floria 2012, Bon Odori 2012 to shoot them but I just can’t find the passion to shoot recently. I guess its because of one incident which happened in March this year.

My house was broken into!!

And they took all but one of my lens. I lost a Tamron 17-50mm f/2.8, Tokina 11-16mm f/2.8, Tamron 70-200mm f/2.8, Tamron 90mm f/2.8, a Lensbaby Composer and a couple of expensive filters.

They also took 4 of my hard disk which contained most of my documents, photos, things that I have collected for the past few years. Yeah… All the photos I took since 2006 is gone.

I was in a slump. It was a hard time to get by. I couldn’t believe that it was all gone. Cost-wise I guess I would have lost close to RM6000 that day alone. And it was after coming back from the CSS camp. Luckily I had my camera and my laptop out with me that day. If not the loss would have been even more painful.

Since then, I felt that the passion was no longer there, especially when others ask me to shoot photos. I still shoot every now and then but I can rarely find the joy of shooting anymore. I even gotten into a bad relationship with someone the day I lost my stuff because someone insisted I removed the photos of him from Facebook (acting like a child seriously @@). I gotten a phobia of leaving anything valuable alone now, and I bring my stuff everywhere I go to. I can’t imagine losing my laptop (with all my project data in it) or anything else. I got demotivated to do a lot of things (even my project) for a long while.

I’ve not told many about this, only those close to me. I had hopes getting the items back but still reality is that, this is Malaysia, you don’t really get back what you lost to thieves (which itself is a sad case). I also pray that nothing worse will come out of this bad experience.

Anyway. I have decided to type this here because a few days ago, while updating the previous post, I looked through the photos I took of Dogathon 2011, and most of them were good and it made me reminiscence the time I use to shoot. That when I told myself that I need to recover. I need to somehow get back into it again. Perhaps I have mourned long enough. So you might see some more photos from me in the future (hopefully).

I’m really thankful for the support I gotten in my time of slump though. There are people who were really understanding and I thank them for that :). I have also learned to be more careful I guess in leaving my stuff (although I still have the tendency to leave things everywhere) and am currently looking for a new place to move into (with possibly better security).

Meanwhile, here’s one of the photos I took during my slump (it was a CSS event and it was kinda hard to say no to shooting a CSS event)

It’s when I get photos like this that make me treasure photography more 🙂


I was part of the Compassion Walk team who ‘walked’ in downtown KL, on the 12th of March 2011 (3.30pm to 4.30pm), to spread awareness that there were still people in need of love and compassion. And these people are the addicts, the alcoholics, the HIV positives, and those with AIDS.Page 2

~Roughly 350 youths walking to downtown KL.~

Some people today seemed to be unable to accept and to love these people who are living amidst them. They have prejudice towards these people just because they are ‘problematic’ and different. And they’ll have nothing to do with these people.

And I would say part of our objective is to make them aware that these people are still human, not much different from who we are. They are capable of feeling hurt, unwanted, lonely, and depressed. DSC_0175-horz

The mission was simple, to put on the shirt, and ask people to HUG us. But the message to me, to the youth who followed the walk… was a powerful one. For to put on the shirt was to admit that, I am an addict, I am HIV-positive, I have AIDS, or I am an alcoholic. We, who donned the shirt, was to be in the position of these people. I’d approached total strangers, said this to them: ‘I am an addict, can you give me a hug?’’ and wait for them to give me that hug.

And for much of the time, they just walked away. And it struck me. The people we are portraying were experiencing the same thing. People shunned them off/despise them/avoid them because they are different. How would you feel if no one were to love you, to care for you, to show compassion to you? How would you feel if you approached someone for help and that person just walked away, much like how many of those whom we approached that afternoon did?

I’ve learnt (first-hand) that afternoon that the world could really use more love and compassion. I’ve learnt that I can no longer feel indifferent towards the sufferings of other people. There are tonnes of other people in need of help out there, the people we have portrayed, the homeless, the orphans but what have we done to help them.

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~Preparing food and drinks, feeding the poor and homeless~

I gave food to the homeless earlier that day, watch them eat and listened to their stories of how they lived each day taking one step at a time. And their day can be a blessing or a curse for them, depending on how that day turned out. They might be having a warm night sleep by the roadside or they could be soaking wet when it rains. Yet, I realized they are as human as the rest of us. They have parents, siblings and friends. They still have hope and dreams for a better life. Some managed to maintain their dignity by which they really didn’t like to be termed ‘homeless’ or to be found scraping food and materials out of trash. They didn’t like to feel ‘sympathy’ from others because of their dignity and yet they don’t have a choice most of the time. Sometimes they were even taken advantage of, when their employers refused to pay them for the work they’ve done. The world that they lived in was a world that I could have never imagine being in. And yet they are still optimistic about their life. The homeless guy my group talked with was cheerful and even sang bits of songs for us.

Some of the participants from my group did a short sharing session a week after the ‘Walk’ and the facilitator mentioned that they had visited these the HIV-positive/AIDS patients in the hospitals and some of these patients were actually reluctant to talk with them. It was as if they had accepted the reality that they will be shunned by society and that to me is just a sad case.

I think its really about time we start to accept these people for who they are and to welcome them into society with open arms. To show them the love and compassion they seek. Because the world could use more of it.

Will you be making a difference this lent?

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CSSUPM organized a trip to the Ruman Keluarga Kami orphanage home in Kajang a few days ago. They organized a Christmas party for the kids which was filled with sing-alongs, games, food and entertainment for the kids. Its good to remember that Christmas is a time of giving and to those orphans, giving the gift of love would certainly mean so much to them. Most of us are fortunate enough to have a family to spend Christmas with but we often forget about the less fortunate people out there especially people who would be grateful wholeheartedly to have someone to remember them by especially during the festive seasons. The kids there are very polite and lovely. Its hard to imagine what they have gone through before this.

I wasn’t really in the festive mood throughout December but I’m glad to have finally contributed something even though the Christmas season has already past. Perhaps it wasn’t really a bad Christmas 2010 after all.

Merry Belated Christmas everyone.


I met you tonight once more, after close to 2 years not seeing you at all. My first reaction when I saw you walking through that door was ‘Oh shit, you have got to be kidding me’, but there you were, standing with the rest of them. We weren’t in contact for that 2 years, except for that one time when I asked that really stupid question of you. But other than that there wasn’t any contact for close to two years and I have got to admit, seeing you once more was awkward. And I slump into my ‘please don’t notice me cause I don’t know how should I act’ program and that eventually turned into ‘oh you noticed, self denial protocol initiated, Alan will ignore you today’.

And I am not happy for it. I didn’t wanted it. But I didn’t know what to do about it.

Lost 1

~I remember this was taken on my way back from sending you home 2 years ago. Later that night you broke up with me~

But still it was nice seeing you again.

You know that tingly feeling you have within yourself when you met your ex, knowing that he/she is seeing someone else right now. I had it in abundance this night. Things didn’t work out between us last time. And things might remain how it was like tonight for a long time to come.

But in my mind, I’m really happy (I’m lying partially) to see that you have met with a better person. I’m happy to see that you have found your own happiness (Still lying partially- I just had to be honest). I hope that he can treat you as how you will wish to be treated (At least I’m telling the truth here, you should be treasured). And you also need to keep believing in your own happiness.

I never really talk about us much to anyone else. And after all this time I’ve been trying to let go of that part of you within me. Because it makes me unable to love anyone else fully. But I guess I’m wrong. Why should I let you go. What we had was special, and so it should be there, even though things didn’t work out. After all, memories shouldn’t be kept hidden. It should be cherished. That is why I’m acknowledging you here.

There is one last thing I really want to tell you though. (Don’t worry, its not another ‘ I’m the Alan~~’ post.)


~This was taken when we were at Johor for Alvin and Janice’s wedding~

Thank you, for being the one for me, even though it was short. Thank you, for keeping me company for those few months. Thank you, for teaching me about God. Thank you, for all the cares you have given. Thank you, for putting up with me when I hurt you. Thank you, for that second chance. Thank you, for teaching me how to love. Thank you, for all that you have given me.

And the final ‘Thank you’ will be.

Thank you, Nat, for loving me once, for being my first love.

~It has become a norm for me to dedicate song’s that I’ve learnt to people who matters to me. This will be your song. Its translated as ‘Thank you takes on a deeper meaning’. Original song here~

I’m quite sure you would not be seeing these ‘Thank you’ since the cowardly me decided that it is totally unnecessary for you to see it. But if you ever found out about this, then it’d be great. At least I’ve done what I wanted to do ^^.

Angry cat

Image via Wikipedia

I have an anger issue. Even my ex used to tell me about it. She said that I really have to control the anger which builds inside of me for no apparent reason. And I must apologize for letting her be the place where I release the swelling anger.

Anger has been swelling within me since Tuesday morning. Take this situation.

You are awaiting a parcel delivery from Citylink Express. The parcel was sent by the sender on Monday so tentatively, given that it’s express delivery, it should have reached the very next day. And so you waited the whole morning for that parcel. And it didn’t show. Alright then, perhaps they got sidetracked somewhere you thought. So on Wednesday, you called in to the hotline to ask where your parcel is. And so this girl’s voice told you that the parcel is on it’s way and tentatively will arrive before 5.30pm. Since you’re not feeling too well that day, you decided to wait for it. Fast forward and the clock shows 4.30pm. The elusive parcel was nowhere to be seen. So you made another call. And the girl’s say to have patience, that it will arrive before 5.30pm. And so we all ‘know’ what happens when 5.30pm arrives. No parcel. Next day, Thursday morning, you called once more, and this time the girl noticed that its you again. And so she takes down your address and number, says that she’s going to ask for the time the delivery man will stop by your place and then called you back. So you waited a while and still no call. So you decided to go to work and come back later when they finally called. Fast forward to lunch time. You received a call from the delivery man saying he’s outside your house. And that’s when you feel pissed. You tried to negotiate with him saying that you’ll rush  back now but he says he got other delivery to make. And so you decided to tell him a particular time when you’ll be at home so that he can make a second delivery. This story is still ongoing at the time of typing so you’re now at home waiting for the guy to come back with your parcel.

Some might argue that, its okay to be pissed off and angry since it’s the problem with the delivery. Anyone would have been angry. But I have to consider that being pissed off and angry at the person now wouldn’t help me get my parcel sooner. So after going through a morning of raging anger, I had to force myself to calm down and think. And so I’ve asked him to come again politely, even inserting a ‘Terima Kasih’ (Thank You) at the end of my message. And I really hope that he comes or I might find difficulties controlling my rage again.

Anger is really something that destroys a person and the person’s relationship with everyone around him. I did have this argument sometime ago with a friend and taking note of those factors which fuels an argument really helps. But sometimes its hard cause even when you’re using the tips to resolve an argument, the other party just don’t understand what you’re trying to do.

Another instance will be a chat session a few nights ago. We were chatting about religion and the arguments she made really cause me to lose myself. So much so that I called her a ‘hypocrite’. And I really do regret using that word. I did apologize and thankfully things are ok.

I think that some of my anger management methods are working. At least, I acknowledge that the current me handles anger a lot better than the me a few years ago.

But still I definitely won’t be using Citylink anymore. And I suggest anyone reading this to think twice before going for Citylink. I’m just really dissatisfied with their service.